So Kind

Psalm 103:8 (KJV)
The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

There have been so many times in my life that I've come to the end of my own mistakes, come to the end of my own bad, self-centered decisions, and have had to experience the pain of the result. This is the ugly side of the oft-used biblical reference "you reap what you sow."

Many times I've sown seeds out of the desire to fulfill what my flesh wants, only to reap the inevitable result of corruption and destruction.

And as much as I've deserved a swift kick in the rear from God for my ignorance, my pride, my lack of reliance on His way as the best way, He's never done that to me. When I've been in the pit, face-down in the dirt of my bad decisions, God has never rubbed my face in it.

Why? Psalm 103:8. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and (just in case you forgot what I said two seconds ago) PLENTEOUS IN MERCY.

That word mercy in the Hebrew is beautiful. It means "desire, ardour, in a good sense, zeal toward anyone, love, kindness." It cracks me up that this verse mentions mercy twice, once at the beginning and once at the end, but it's so wise of God. We forget that his mercy is waiting, ever-present, plentiful, abounding, overflowing. In face, we prefer Murphy's Law to God's, quickly assuming that anything bad that could possibly happen will, waiting "for the other shoe to drop." We expect the worst, enter situations skeptically, not hoping too much out of fear of disappointment, instead of remembering that His mercy is available, here, present, and plenteous.

Plenteous in the Hebrew means "much." Not a whole lot of depth in that word, huh? When I was a kid, and my dad would look at me and say, "How much do you love me?" I would stretch my little arms out so wide, wide enough that they were practically behind my back, and say, "This much!" What I was doing was a physical representation of what I wasn't verbally able to express. To my little five-year-old self, stretching my arms out wide meant that my love for him was infinite, inexpressibly big.

So how much mercy does God have for you? How much zeal, how much desire, how much enthusiasm, how much passion, how much love and kindness? THIS MUCH. I'm so thankful for the kindness of God in my life today, for his infinite patience with me. Not a foot-tapping, eyeing-the-clock, how-long-until-you-get-your-act-together, eye-rolling patience. Not simply a tolerance of me or my behavior, but a beautiful zeal for me in both my successes and failures.

The Year of No Limits... to living by my feelings

I know it's a little early to do a Year In Review, but I've been thinking a lot towards 2010. In conversation this week I was talking about the year 2009 as "The Year of No Limits," and before I had a chance to think, I said, "This has been a crap year."

Wow.

The minute the words were out, I knew they weren't true. And to classify an entire year as "crap" ... that's a little overly-dramatic, right? This has been a groundbreaking year for me. I bought a house - something I NEVER thought I could do as a single woman on one income. I got out of credit card debt - yet another feat I NEVER thought would be accomplished without divine intervention (thank GOD for his intervention that made it possible). I had an opportunity to be a part of a groundbreaking worship recording at City of Life. I accomplished projects at my job that were difficult and time-consuming and hard; things I'd never done before and never thought I'd be asked to take on. Yet I accomplished them and (most of the time, if it was in my power) did them excellently.

Yet those words betrayed the position of my heart. Because while so many amazing things have happened to me this year, my own personal mental state, my spiritual state, and my emotional state has been pretty out-of-whack. I started the year with a break-up, which is never fun. Plus, this was my very first break-up, so I was experiencing feelings I never had before. For once, I didn't know how to handle something. And while God was incredibly merciful to me and worked a miracle in healing my heart quickly and fully, I think starting the year this way sort of threw me off, emotionally.

I began living from and out of my feelings. Insecurity gripped me and drove me, guiding my decisions. I literally felt like I was living on the brink of losing my mind, as my fears surfaced and took the driver's seat.

And, unfortunately, as all these amazing things happened to me that I listed above, I was so disconnected from all of them that I didn't truly enjoy any of them. I was so busy scrambling, working, striving, grasping, all to maintain some kind of security for myself that I couldn't provide anyway (Hey did you know I'm not God? No, really!), that these glorious moments passed as nothing more than a bother.

I'm looking forward to a fresh start. I've been truly putting effort into putting my feelings in their proper place. I've been re-ordering my life and letting God re-introduce himself to me, starting with the basic and only lesson I'll ever really need for life with him: his love and, more importantly, his LIKE for me.

Develop In Me A Longing That Is Unrestrained (Richard Rolle)

I ask you, Lord Jesus,
to develop in me, your lover,
an immeasurable urge towards you,
an affection that is unbounded,
a longing that is unrestrained,
a fervor that throws discretion to the winds!
The more worthwhile our love for you,
all the more pressing it does become.
Reason cannot hold it in check,
fear does not make it tremble,
wise judgement does not temper it.

A Psalm from me to You

My heart is like an overflowing fountain
Like an endless series of waves breaking on shore
Praises keep on coming and coming and coming
For You have come to my side at every cry for help
At the mere whisper of a need, You have provided
And in moments when I wasn't wise enough to know I needed help, You came anyways, without me even knowing
For these things, I praise You
For these things, I exalt You
For these things, I magnify You
Lover, Protector, Provider, Shield, FATHER

Are You Hungry?

I'm sure you've heard people talk about being hungry for God. We sing songs about it, hear messages about it, and even pray for hunger. This talk has been especially big around City of Life, as the spiritual climate escalates and we prepare to experience more of the supernatural than ever before. My pastor mentioned recently that he didn't believe that God could MAKE anyone hungry, and, in fact, to pray for God to stir up a hunger or make us hungry for Him was an impossible request. He asserted that we have to make ourselves hungry.

You know, when I first heard him say this, I was a little offended! I had prayed, "God, make me hungry for you" many times! But the more I think about it, the more I believe him to be true.

There are many theories about why we become physically hungry for food. However, most scientists agree that hunger has a physiological part and a psychological part. First, the physiological part: our bodies were created with certain chemicals like insulin and glucose, along with hormones, that cause us to be hungry. In a quest to regulate these chemicals, we become hungry until our brain and stomach are satisfied.

Then there's the psychological part. No doubt you've looked at the clock around noon (or whatever time you usually eat lunch) and become hungry simply because of the learned behavior of eating at a certain time. I know this from teaching. One year my class had a 10:30 a.m. lunch. I've never been a breakfast eater, and the thought of eating so early in the day was a little strange to me. But yet, a few weeks into the school routine, when 10:25 would roll around, my stomach would begin growling at the thought of lunch. Or what about the psychological affect that our senses have on hunger? You may not be hungry, but sometimes hearing the McDonald's jingle and smelling their delicious french fries is enough to make you take on the dollar menu! (If you're like me, your thoughts are now calculating the length of the drive from where you are right now to the nearest McDonalds. Stay with me here! Focus!!!)

At any rate, spiritual hunger has the same components. God created you with an innate, inborn desire for Him. Kind of like the physical component of hunger - it's built in. We've all heard the "man was created with a God-shaped hole" message a thousand times, right? In the core of all of us is a hunger for God. The wise ones fill it with God. Yet most attempt to satiate it with whatever is available that tickles our fancy and comes at the least cost to us. Slapping the snooze alarm a few times is easier than getting up and spending time with God. It makes us feel good. It fills (for a time) that need, that hunger, for God. We fill our lives with work, family, entertainment, church, friends... all GOOD things, yet none of which can truly satisfy that deep hunger. If the hunger for God isn't filled with God, then all of other pursuits are basically idolatry. Ouch.

The problem with filling your spiritual hunger with things that aren't God is that eventually, it shows. Just like a strict diet of mountain dew and sausage pizza would lead to vitamin deficiencies and weight gain, thus causing a physical manifestation of what you've been taking in to your body, a diet of idols eventually shows in your disposition, your faith, and the fruit that your life produces.

And then there's this other component of hunger for God, the learned part, similar to the psychological aspect of physical hunger. I believe that there's a mental component to our hunger for God. Being around people who stir you up, who encourage you to press in for more of God, has an effect on your desire for God. "Like iron sharpens iron," sometimes we are driven to search for God because the people around us encourage us to. We see our pastors and spiritual leaders delving into Bible study and teaching us out of the rich treasures they discover, and it inspires us. We hear believers around us praying passionately, using different words and different communication styles than we've ever heard, and it pushes us to go further in our prayer lives.

Just as your environment can encourage you to pursue more with God, it can also dissuade you. I've been in circumstances where I am hanging around new people, and when one of them asks me, "Are you hungry?" I make a casual statement like, "I could eat," or "I'm ok," even though my stomach is growling and I am ravenous. Or like when you go to a restaurant with a bunch of girls, and you're really hungry, but the others order salads with fat-free dressing, it dissuades you from ordering that big greasy bacon cheeseburger that you have been craving all day. In these environments, I choose to limit my expression of hunger because of my surroundings... I don't want to seem out of place, or greedy, or look unladylike. When we surround ourselves with people who have low standards and who mock those who pursue God in a deeper way than the norm, we are doing ourselves a disservice. Their hunger (or lack thereof) will mirror itself in our hunger.

The word says in Psalms that "Deep calls to deep." I believe that spiritual disciplines, such as regular, daily Bible study, is tough at first. It's a LEARNED process. But as you get further in, deep calls to deep, and the more you do, the more you want. What starts as a learned, environmental thing becomes something that possesses you and drives you.

So, are you hungry? Honestly? If your answer is no, then why not? Stir YOURSELF up. Examine the areas that you may've replaced your desire for God with different things, and then clean house! Get them out of your life! Surround yourself with people who are hungrier than you are, and let their hunger rub off on you.

God wants to fill your hunger. Why pick at a salad when he wants to be your cheeseburger? :-)

The Party's Over!

A man's as miserable as he thinks he is. -Seneca

So lately I've been having these parties. Big ones. Frequently. The guest list is short by my own choosing, and those in attendance don't ever say enough or do enough to satisfy me with their presence. Some of the guests refuse to stay, because they've been to my parties, and they know what to expect and would rather not participate.

Yeah you got it - I'm the host of the world's largest pity parties.

It seems lately I've been doing a lot of wallowing in self-pity. Self-pity is a very egocentric thing, too, because unless you have honest people around you to snap you out of it, you can be up to your elbows in it, and yet have no idea that you're in the middle of it. Thankfully, there's one person in my life who isn't afraid to point my sessions of self-pity out to me (we all need at least ONE person who will do that!).

So what is self pity? Well, here's what Websters says:

Self-pity: pity for oneself; especially : a self-indulgent dwelling on one's own sorrows or misfortunes

And the definition above is entirely true - self-pity is so self-indulgent. At the very core of it is a focus on SELF. In the middle of self-pity, we choose to look exclusively at our problems, our lack, our shortcomings, our circumstance; we allow it to envelop us to the point where we feel as though the world owes us something: sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, or little assurances like "you're so strong" or "you're such a hard worker" or "you don't deserve that."

Self-pity is the polar opposite of a grateful heart. As one who struggles continually with self-pity, I know that I have to FORCE myself to be thankful. I have to take the very things that I want to whine and gripe about, and instead turn them around and use them as sources of thankfulness.

So here's some common complaints, followed by ways you can turn your gripes into gratitude:

Your job sucks? At least you have one. 13.7 million Americans are unemployed right now.

Your marriage is on the rocks? At least you're still married. 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

You're single and you're feeling sorry that Mr. or Ms. Right hasn't shown up? Well, given the statistics above, it seems better to be single than in one of the unhappy marriages that fall prey to divorce. That's something to be thankful for! My mom drilled into my head from the time I was young that it is better to be single and lonely than married and lonely. You could be in an unsatisfying, unconnected relationship that you're locked in for life! Maybe you're single and unsatisfied and unconnected, but at least now you have options!

You're facing financial ruin or foreclosure? In Honduras a few weeks ago, our team tore down a shed on the Hands to the World compound property and piled the left-over wood to be burned. A Honduran lady who was cooking for the team saw the wood pile and begged that it be set aside for her. A few days later, she invited us to her one-room, dirt-floor home, which, to our shock, had been newly constructed using the "trash" we had been so ready to burn. Whether you're own a home, rent, or live with someone else, at least you have a place to lay your head. You probably have a bed (these Hondurans didn't), and the walls of your home are probably insulated (the cracks between the planks of the walls were large enough to let wind, insects, and rain in). You probably even have indoor plumbing (these people didn't). Furthermore, this family was so proud of their newly built home, and their pride humbled me. I was embarrassed that I had ever complained about my house: the dirt on the carpet, a cracked tile, the lack of hardware on my cabinets.


I say all this not to downplay the circumstance that you're dealing with at this very moment. Yes, life is hard, and yes, God sees and cares about your situation and your worries as only a father can. But I can't help but wonder if our God, the one who has the global perspective, the one who is just as close to me right now as he is to that Honduran family in the shack, looks at my crappy attitude about my 2008 Mazda and sighs a little, rolling his eyes that I would dare enter my car with disdain as I secretly wish it were a Lexus or a Mercedes. I mean, really?!


So, instead of embracing this martyr complex, what about looking at things a little differently? (I'm preaching to myself here.) What about changing every opportunity for self-pity into a moment of gratitude, a moment where we stop and just thank God for His goodness, His faithfulness?

And if this isn't a struggle of yours, but you see a good friend slipping into the mire self-pity, why not be a true friend and, in the most loving way possible, tell them to snap out of it? Instead of doing what's easiest and joining in the pity party, refuse to attend. Help your friends see the many blessings that their momentary lapse into self-pity has blinded them to.

As I once heard a friend say, sometimes you just have to put on your big-girl panties and get on with life!

Five Year Plan

Tonight I sat in a booth at a wings restaurant with a friend who knows me well. We were discussing some pretty heavy things when my friend looked at me and said, “Cassandra Hendon, where do you think we’ll be in five years?”

What a question. I honestly didn’t have any clue.

It’s not a profound question. It’s repeated often in job interviews. It’s lectured in business schools – “A Five-Year Plan.” But for me, it gave me pause. There’s been a lot of talk around me lately about forward motion. Moving to a new place, a new level.

But where do I think I’ll be in five years? I haven’t thought about it. I’ve been so concerned with the “now”, with what’s right immediately in front of me, with a reactionary sort of life, immediately responding to the dilemma, tasks, or goals right in front of my face, that I haven’t ever thought of where I’m headed. So where am I going?

Tonight I sit here and question myself. What do I want? Do I have the courage to even dream, to think that there could be something possible for me outside what is in front of me, outside of the swirl of the business of life?

So here are some things I want for my life. Real, honest, brave things that I’m saying, acknowledging to everyone.

I want to be completely in love with Jesus. I want to pursue a love relationship with Jesus so fervently that it drives every decision I make, even the small ones. I want to be the woman of God I used to think I could be as a child, before I saw people fall, before disappointment jaded my view of Christians and of myself. I want to live above mediocrity. I want to pursue Jesus above all else – above the mundane, above my own desires for comfort, for fulfillment, for satisfaction. I want to consistently fix my eyes on Jesus, not on my circumstances, not on my schedule, not on whether I’m too tired, too burned out, too busy, too lazy. I want to guard my relationship with him so zealously that nothing can come between him and me. Instead of being a Gomer, I want to be faithful, through and through. I want everything in my life to flow out of the time that I spend with him, so that I’m not shaken in hard times.

I want love. I want it in the right time and I want it in the right person. I don’t want love for love’s sake, or because I feel my clock ticking, or because “everyone else” has love. I want it because I was formed to want it, I was created to love a man, to be a helper to him, to support him in his pursuit of being who God has called him to be (and through that support, fulfill part of my own purpose as a woman), to have his children and love them and raise them to love the Lord. I’m tired of pretending that love is gross or overrated or not for me just because I don’t have it right now. Whether I get it or not, I want it. Maybe within five years, maybe not, but whenever God sees fit to bring me to the one He made me for.

I want to rescue children. I want to take in children who are abused and neglected and become a foster parent. I also want to reach out to women (both in the US and abroad) considering abortion. I want to approach them in a new, unorthodox way that transcends judgment. I want to go to other countries like China where abortion isn’t a big deal, where it’s offered as after-the-fact birth control, and minister destiny and hope to women contemplating it. I want to save babies from death by introducing women to a God of purpose and love. I want to use creative methods to take an inflammatory political issue and put a face and a name to it, to make it less about left and right and more about wrong and right. I want my friends, who are the most creative people in the world, to play a part in this.

I want to write and record songs. I want to write songs that bring hope to people, songs that transport people to the throne room of heaven, songs that stir people up, songs full of the Word of God that pop into peoples’ heads in decision-making times and help them discover and do God’s will.

Connected by the Covenant

Most of us know what it is to feel that something about you "counts you out" of the better things in life. Whether it's your looks, your talent (or lack thereof), your social skills... I think at one time or another, we have all felt that we don't have what it takes. We often look at the promises that God has given to others and wonder, "What about me?"

This happened to me recently. I was so excited to hear an awesome prophetic word spoken over a friend. Yet later, when I stopped to think, I realized that no one had ever spoken a prophetic word about me. What about ME? My thoughts then went down that all-too-familiar "I'm not cut out for this" or "I don't have what it takes" path. And pretty soon, my friend's joy became my own self-centered pity party!

I've been studying Romans, and somehow this study has led me to think a little about the story of Abraham and Sarah. Abraham was a great man of faith. In fact, Paul held him up as the archetype by which we should model ourselves concerning faith. Over seven times in Genesis, God mentioned or promised to him that he would have many descendents and become a great nation. If anyone had a great prophetic word spoken over them, it was this guy! Especially in the face of his age and his own wife's inability to bear children, this guy stood fast. But what about Sarah?

Here's Sarah, hearing all of these great accounts of the wonderful words that God has spoken to her husband about how he's going to make him a great nation, and give him many descendants. But this woman is barren. Even early in Genesis (11:30) before any promises were made to Abraham by God, she's referred to as barren. This was a long-standing problem. And no doubt, Sarah felt that she was not enough, didn't have what it would take to help God's promise come to pass, and was counted out of this promise. In fact, we can see this in how she offered up her servant, Hagar, so that she could help God out in keeping his promise. We can even see her attitude towards herself in the way she speaks to Abram: "See now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children. Please, go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her."

This is a woman who looks at herself and her own inability and immediately counts herself out. In fact, she thinks that even GOD has counted her out. But what she doesn't realize is that because she is in a covenant relationship with her husband, God's promises to her husband will come through HER, because God honors that covenant and would never do anything in a round-about way. The promise of God isn't for everyone else but you. It is for YOU, because you are in covenant with HIM!

And thinking about it, the same goes for other covenant relationships you are in. If you're committed to a church body, and great words have been spoken over that church, it's time to start taking those words personally and grabbing ahold of them for YOUR life. I've heard too many times that a waterfall is about to break forth at City of Life and passively nodded or said "amen." But it's time to stop passivity. This is MY promise. This waterfall is for MY life. I will see signs. I will see wonders. It's not for everyone else BUT me. I don't have to be smart enough, anointed enough, beautiful enough, talented enough, or ENOUGH of anything to qualify for the promise of God! I'm included in the promise JUST as I am because God honors the connection that I have with the house and with Him. And you're included too!

And another quick note. In Romans, it says in chapter 4, verse 19 and 20, that Abraham was not weak in faith and didn't waver. It's easy to skim past that and take it at face value, but when we think of the whole Hagar fiasco, then we see that, yeah, Abraham did have moments where he didn't trust God. Where he did waver. Yet he didn't camp out in his doubt or his wavering. And that is what sets the great men and women of faith apart. Yes, they may have faltered. Yes, they may have sinned. But they didn't stay there. After their sin, they got up, dusted themselves off, and kept pressing forward. And because of their entire walk, not just one moment of failure, or even one HUGE mistake (like Ishmael), God called them "not weak in faith" and unwavering. Isn't that cool? Momentary moments of doubt don't downgrade your status as a woman or man of faith. God sees the whole picture. If you are a person who sometimes struggles, sometimes questions, but overall presses forward and keeps going despite faltering, you are still called "faithful" in His eyes!

Realize that God's promises are for you. Who you are doesn't count you out, because God likes you and takes great delight in You. If you'll stay faithful, you will see His promises come to pass in you and through you.

And if you happen to have tripped up in your faith and your pursuit of God, don't stay on the ground. Get up! Keep going!

"God-loyal people don't stay down long. Soon they're up on their feet." (Prov 24:16 MSG)

Rend the Heavens

Isaiah 64

1 Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down,
that the mountains would tremble before you!

2 As when fire sets twigs ablaze
and causes water to boil,
come down to make your name known to your enemies
and cause the nations to quake before you!

3 For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.

4 Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

5 You come to the help of those who gladly do right,
who remember your ways.
But when we continued to sin against them,
you were angry.
How then can we be saved?

6 All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

7 No one calls on your name
or strives to lay hold of you;
for you have hidden your face from us
and made us waste away because of our sins.

8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.

9 Do not be angry beyond measure, O LORD;
do not remember our sins forever.
Oh, look upon us, we pray,
for we are all your people.

10 Your sacred cities have become a desert;
even Zion is a desert, Jerusalem a desolation.

11 Our holy and glorious temple, where our fathers praised you,
has been burned with fire,
and all that we treasured lies in ruins.

12 After all this, O LORD, will you hold yourself back?
Will you keep silent and punish us beyond measure?

Burnout

We burn out because we're spiritually bored and motivated by the wrong things.
-Mike Bickle

Long Distance

I use my blog as a place to record ideas, wisdom, and quotes from other people that I want to remember. I found this in Aaron Stern's blog (aaronstern.typepad.com), and thought it was pretty revelatory. Before I read this, I didn't believe long distance relationships were workable, and I certainly never wanted to be involved in one. He changed my mind. Props to Aaron!

"I know several people who don’t like long-distance relationships – they are a lot of work and can be a hassle. However, I actually think that there are several benefits to dating from a distance. Talking on the phone or interacting online requires the development of one of the most important variables in a relationship – communication. Without the “distractions” of things to do and places to go, the only thing you have left is what you talk about. Such a heavy emphasis on talking requires diligent work on communicating thoroughly and clearly, establishing expectations and resolving conflicts. From my perspective, if things don’t work long-distance, they likely wouldn’t work living in the same city. That being said, if the relationship is going towards marriage, I recommend that you have a good period of time together in the same city prior to marriage (3-6 months minimum). Though developing good communication is important, it can’t replace that which is learned as you interact in person on a daily basis."

Practicing the Presence

"Sustained communication with God requires restrained conversation with man."
-Mike Bickle

Wake Me Up

"We are fast asleep and we don't know it... The thing that is dulling this generation is called The Spirit of Religion... The Spirit of Religion settles us into thinking we know something about God when in reality we don't know anything about God. It settles us into a false complacency thinking that we have all these things figured out and I want to tell you when the Spirit of Revelation is in a person's life, they realize that they are at the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of the beginning of a shoreless ocean that has yet to be expounded upon. The Spirit of Religion is choking the life from the church because it's settling us into false complacency and we need to go after God waking us up into what reality is."
-Corey Russell

Let Me Fly

A saint's life is like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says - "I cannot stand anymore." God does not heed, He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets fly.

--Oswald Chambers

No Rules

What's cool about God is that he doesn't really make Rules.

He tells us what to do, but he doesn't tell us how, or when, or put crazy parameters around it.

We take what he's said, and try to quantify it, and make it into a Rule.

And then when we break the rules, we feel Bad.

Like reading the Bible. The Bible doesn't say "Read the Bible 30 minutes a day."

It says "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind." God tells us to do it, but he doesn't tell us when to do it or how long to do it.

Yet somehow we feel so guilty if we don't sit down for an hour when we FIRST wake up (Lord knows real Christians don't read their Bibles at night!!!) to read the Bible.

God is freeing. And we secretly hate Rules. They make us feel Bad. So why do we make them?

My Life, On Paper

Tonight I started packing for my move to my new house. I took down all the pictures, and then I got to the bookshelf. On my bookshelf, I have about as many notebooks and journals as I have books written by others. I'm not a pack rat by any means, but I do like to keep all handwritten notes, songs, poems, letters... to throw them away would be throwing away the story of my life. Even sermon notes connect me with specific moments in my life when I needed to hear whatever was being preached.

Earlier in the evening I had been sharing with my pastors the journey of blessing that I've been on in the last few years since I moved to Florida. Right out of college, I lived with my parents and worked a great job as a school teacher, making more money initially that most of my friends who were new to the working world. In those years that I lived with my parents, I frittered away thousands of dollars and had nothing to show for it in the end.

When I moved to Florida, I knew God was leading me to do so and I knew that He was going to have to take care of me, because the school I would be working at in Florida paid significantly less than the one in Indiana. And the first year I lived here was soooooooo hard. There were times I would work myself into a panic. What would I do when summer came and I didn't have a steady income? How would I make it through? Maybe I should move back to Indiana. Maybe I didn't have what it took to live here. Maybe I had missed God.

Inside, though, I knew that God had called me. And I knew that, to be cliche, "Where God guides, he provides." I had a small amount in my savings as a cushion that I had scrimped to put away... a safety net. It was in the deepest moment of my financial need that first winter I decided that my safety net wouldn't help if anything significant happened anyway, so I decided to give my entire savings to the Lord. I placed myself in a position where I HAD to depend on him. Needless to say, God provided summer work for me and gave me creative ideas on how I could earn extra money.

Even though I gave my savings to the Lord, I still kept my credit cards. In times of loneliness or despair, I'd go shopping or out to dinner as a way to feel better. Over that time, I racked up a signficant amount of credit card debt through foolish choices and my own folly.

When my debt got to a certain level, I decided I needed to get my finances in order. I cut up my credit cards and wrote the vision on my door so that every time I walked out of my house, I would see the destroyed card and my desire to "Get Out of Debt." But the request always seemed so far-off and unattainable. And yes, God was honoring my faithful tithing and giving by meeting my needs, but there was never that one big check that showed up, wiping away all of my troubles. His provision was a little at a time, just in time.

A few small miracles happened in the meantime. I was needing to go to grad school in order to keep my Indiana teacher's license active so that I could continue teaching. This was going to cost me several thousands of dollars, putting me more in debt to keep certification for a job that I didn't love. On the last day of the deadline, I had an epiphany that showed me a way around going to grad school and enabled me to obtain my Florida teacher's license for only $30! (And all this for a job that I would be leaving several months later! Thank God I didn't end up going to grad school- it would've been a waste of time and money!)

Miraculously, that next year I was offered a job transfer within my own organization that enables me now to work year-round (and also collect a paycheck year-round) doing something I'm passionate about that allows me to be creative and draws on many strengths I have, and challenges me in my weaknesses. My job is amazing, and I ADORE my bosses and co-workers.

I took that job mid-year and had to leave my second grade classroom. I was really worried about the transition to a new teacher, because I love those kids and I know that change is hard on little ones. Another miracle - God enabled the same teacher they had in first grade to return to the school after leaving that year and she took my class. The transition wasn't nearly as hard as it would've been because they had a familiar teacher that they already loved in my place. Another provision!

Through the new job I was connected with a person who allowed me to rent a home from her that was 20 minutes closer to my job (right in the middle of the time when gas prices spiked!) and whose rent was substantially lower than my first apartment. Just this November, I was able to purchase a car with a payment $30 less than my old car. It's way cuter, gets way better gas mileage, and has zero mechanical problems because it's brand new! And the timing of it all was PERFECT.

This year has been a year when I've seen things come to pass that have been in my heart. Friday I will close on a house - MY house. In my wildest dreams I NEVER thought I would own a house. It was always something that I thought I would someday maybe do with my husband, but never on my own. But through God's amazing provision, I will be living in a house with a mortgage so low that your jaw would drop if I told you what it was!

On top of all that, I found out on Saturday that because I'm buying a house in 2009, I am eligible for a first-time homebuyers tax credit of several thousand dollars that will be enough to pay off my credit card debt and set me free of the oppression of that financial burden!

Today as I went through my notebooks and reread all of my secret dreams, practical plans, and ways I've tried to work out my life on paper over the past 3 years, I laughed a little to myself. I saw a plan of how I was going to get through the summmer without a salary. I saw phone numbers for summer jobs that I could've applied for. I saw information for applying for a job in the Osceola school system that would've taken me away from City of Life. I saw budgets, plans, fears, questions... everything written out so that I could make sense of it, so that I could somehow solve it all. The funny thing is, I never could've written it the way that God did. He can write the story so much better than we can, if we'll let Him. And when we feel compelled to "do" something just to get out of our situation, that's the very time that we just need to be still and let him do the doing. There are so many different directions that I could've gone in. So many decisions, whims, and plans I could've formulated. But none of them would've put me right here, in the place I am. I haven't been perfect - I've been no where near that, as evidenced with the way I took things into my own hands when I accrued my credit card debt. But since then I have really tried to listen and follow God. And he has been SO faithful to lead me, provide for me, and overwhelm me with his goodness and provision in the face of my stupidity, fear, doubt, and ignorance.

He is so faithful.

When He Comes Into the Room...

In church culture, especially worship, a lot of references are made to “the presence of God.” I’ve accepted this phrase as just part of Christianese – the dialect that most Christians come to adopt, a language full of phraseology and vocabulary that are very common to the Christian experience that people on the “outside” may or may not understand. But lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what that phrase means. “The presence of God.” What is it? What does IT do?

Presence is the state of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing. So when we say we experience or feel the “presence of God,” we mean, basically, that God is there. When God is there, something happens. Things shift. Faith rises. The impossible seems possible. The atmosphere changes. Depression lifts. Miracles occur. Why? Because the creator of the universe is there. It's not some mystical thing. The Bible says in Matthew 18:20 that when a few are gathered together, God is right there in the middle of it.

I’ve noticed that a lot of times when we have prolonged session of worship, the Lord tends to move in a common vein. At my church, City of Life, we used to have a Wednesday service that was devoted strictly to worship for about six months straight. In our ADD culture, you’d think that six months of weekly 90-minute worship sessions may tend to get repetitive or stale. However, God did something unique and different in each service. From listening to other worship leaders talk, I think this is a common experience. For instance, in one session of worship the focus may be on healing. Or on another night, the focus may be on liberty.

So what is it about our worship, when God's presence is there, that draws out specific elements of God’s character and nature and enables us to have a unique experience with Him? The only way I can really think of it is to parallel it to preparing for the presence of a human being. After all, God patterned us like Himself when he made us in His image.

When I’m about to enter a group of people who have gathered for a purpose, whether it’s for a party, or a meeting, or a church service, I go in with an attitude, with certain expectations of what will happen, and with a mindset prepared toward their expectations of what my role in the group will be. For instance, if I’m preparing to go into a party, I know that I’m going to need to be lighthearted and fun, no matter how crappy my day has been, or else everyone will be thinking to themselves, "What's wrong with her?" If I’m going into a work meeting, I know I’d better be prepared to voice my opinions, present items that I’ve been asked to prepare, and come with my best, most creative ideas. If I’m having lunch with my best friend, I can prepare to laugh, cry, or do both, because the atmosphere is such. I wouldn’t go into a party with a meeting attitude. And I certainly wouldn’t go into a meeting with a party attitude!

So, when we have a church service, where many people are gathered for a variety of reasons, the atmosphere that we set can draw out different aspects of God’s character and personality. I’ve been in services that seemed like a party. In these situations, it makes sense that God would enter our “party” with a party-like attitude, bringing freedom, liberty, and joy. The atmosphere has been set. The demand has been placed on which side of his personality should be present. And he moves. And it's not like God is Sybil, either, that we just cross our fingers and hope the right one of His multiple personalities shows up. But just as you are capable of being serious at times, then at other times sensitive and empathetic, and then again at other times hard and stern, so is God. There are different aspects to who He is. When He comes, he brings his whole self. He is fully and completely available to us. And He can surely minister joy to some while concurrently ministering love to another and healing to yet another. But the atmosphere determines the general move...

I think the unity of the saints is so vital to a move of God when we're in His presence. If I come to church because I'm forced to, while someone else comes to church because they expect the act of going to church to somehow free them of the guilt they've accumulated for actions done in the week leading up to the service, and yet others come because they want to worship the Lord, then we've got a mixed bag here. If we all come into worship for the same reason and purpose, whatever that may be, then the atmosphere is solid, the expectation is sure, and God will truly move.

When was the last time we walked into a service with a common, united expectation? When we truly expected the supernatural to occur, instead of letting services pass us by week after week and seeing no evident change? Have we come with our minds, attitudes, and focus set on making the atmosphere one in which God feels comfortable to sit right down in the middle of? Have we placed a demand on the Lord by setting the tone, preparing our hearts, and expecting BIG things? These are questions that are challenging me right now. It's not enough to sail along on the faith of your worship leader or pastor. They can't believe for the miraculous for you. Their job is to guide the worshipers into God's presence and then just step aside so that He can do what He wants to do. Unite with your leaders. That's my heart. No longer will I look to my pastors and worship leaders to do the expecting for me.

What I Believe About Leading Worship

For the past two weeks I've been on vocal rest, as ordered by my doctor. I had been feeling achy and strange after singing, so I visited an ENT and they told me that I showed signs of what could develop into nodules, a singer's worst nightmare. For the past two weeks, I've still stood in my place on the stage every service, four services a week. I've held the mic. I've been under the lights. But I haven't been able to make a sound. This whole experience has been one of the most challenging things I've ever gone through. I don't think I'd trade it for anything, though, because it's given me an opportunity to really think about what I believe when it comes to worship.

I believe that for too long, we've embraced a celebrity mentality when it comes to leading worship in a church. The idea of "being a worship leader" or "leading worship" has been glamorized. After all, it has all the makings of celebrity - stage, lights, music, microphone. The church isn't American Idol, however. This isn't our "one shot" for fame.

In this time of silence, I've realized what it means to really lead worship. True worship has nothing to do with the leader at all. To make it so is to make yourself an idol before the people. Sure, a great worship leader facilitates people entering into the presence of God. The perfect worship, in my opinion, is when every person and every heart is so captivated by the presence of God that they can't help but sing, when each person so embraces the expression of absolute adoration to the Lord that they reach for a unity with the sound of heaven.

You know those moments when the people with mics stop singing because the worshipers in the crowd are singing so loudly, so passionately, that they carry the song themselves? THAT is what every worship leader should aim for. It's not all about everyone hearing how great you can sing, or the ad-libs that you do, or the perfect words that you think of to say during the instrumental. The best worship leader is the one who can stop singing and let the people worship on their own. The best worship leader works himself or herself out of a job.

A few months ago we were singing "Revelation Song" in church and as I worshiped I saw something in the spirit that stirred me. It was as if the walls of our church building evaporated into thin air and instead of being limited by four walls, the entire stage was surrounded, front and back, side to side, by thousands and thousands of people singing "Holy holy holy/is the Lord God Almighty/Who was and is and is to come." And in the center of it all was this shining, bright light. The sound of the worship was overwhelming, deafening. And Jesus' glory was in the center of it all.

This silent experience has shown me how selfish I am, and how driven by my own agenda, my pride, my own need for position and place and recognition that I am. It's shown me how I've put myself in the center of my worship. When I sing well, when my performance meets my own standards, then I'm happy and somehow worship was "great." When I've failed, my voice cracked, my words forgotten, then worship was "bad." My worship has been about ME - idolatry in its purest form. I've had to repent many times in the past two weeks. I've wept with sorrow for wrong attitudes, wrong thoughts.

Funny, I've been able to worship in a deep, true way without singing a word. My heart has taken on the words to the songs. Instead of thinking about the way things sound, I've been thinking on the beauty of God, the attributes of his character. How stunning He is.

I'll probably be able to talk and sing in the next few days. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, and he'll let me know. But I approach the day that I'll be able to use my voice again with trepidation, because I want all of the things I've learned, all of the things God's showed me, all of this burning in me to STAY. To stay real. To transform my future and WHATEVER God has for me in the future and in His church, whether it's leading worship or scrubbing toilets. He is the in middle of it all. And here am I. At His service. Totally available.

Ordering My Private World

"If my private world is in order, it will be because I have courageously confronted the messiness of my ways of living and chosen to bring them under rigorous discipline."
Gordon MacDonald

On Getting Out of the Way

A man is of no use to God until he has had his "I" put out.
-Smith Wigglesworth

Loved in the Locked-Out

So today I did something for the first time ever. I locked myself out of the house. The way I did it is a convoluted story, too long and trivial to tell here, but the point is, I was locked out. I found out rather quickly too, since my car key and house key are on the same ring, so as I approached my car and realized the keys I was carrying weren't the right ones, it hit me.

I called a friend, but she was busy and couldn't help. I texted a friend who has James Bond-like skills at breaking into things - he said he couldn't help. I called several locksmiths, and the only one who answered told me that the cost to open the lock would be $39 for traveling to my house, and then $15 or more depending on the complexity of the lock. I quickly vetoed that idea, remembering that my landlord has a key, and she just lives across town. Finally, I broke down and texted her. I didn't want to, because she works more hours than anyone I know and I didn't want to bother her on a Saturday. But I did, and she told me she was an hour away so I texted her that I'd just call a locksmith. So what else would a girl do in a desperate situation but update her facebook status?

Cassie is locked out of her house.

I sat on the porch in the bright sun and thought to myself, wow, you're handling this really well. I wasn't mad at myself. I wasn't panicked. I wasn't irritated at the prospect of possible hours of my day being lost to this mistake. And this was a big deal. I didn't grow up in a household of much grace in the area of mistake-making. I rarely allowed myself to err and became an ultimate perfectionist. Small mistakes would shatter me. Large mistakes... well, I just didn't make any of those. To give you an idea, I took the Law School Admissions Test after college, and decided not to go to law school after I got my score. It wasn't a bad score, more like average. My reasoning: If I couldn't enter law school with a top score, then I just wasn't going to go. A high score would be God's signal to me that law school was His will for my life. (At any rate, it wasn't His will for my life, and whew, am I glad I figured that out before I spent the money and the time!) When I moved to Florida, I met people who lived completely free of the bonds of perfectionism. They allowed themselves room to make mistakes and showed me how I could do the same. It transformed me. Don't get me wrong - I still want to be right, and correct, and infallible. Still a struggle. But I've grown a lot.

Back to the story. Within seconds of reading my facebook status, a friend texted me and asked me first if I wanted him to break into my house (I said no) and second if I wanted to ignore the problem and go get Chinese food. So off we went. Still, not worried. After eating, we went to my new house, I took a few more pictures, and then I decided to call the locksmith. My friend dropped me off at my door and I there I was again, waiting for the guy to come. Still happy. Still unbothered at this whole thing.

A big white box van pulled up, the kind that kidnappers use. A young guy with curly hair and aviators came up to the walk, speaking on his phone in another language. He approached me and looked at the lock. After inspecting it, he said, "If I can pick it, it'll be $110. If I have to drill it, it's going to be $149. Cash or credit?"

I gasped. $149? When a key was across town?! This was crazy! "I'm sorry, I can't do that. That's more than I can afford. Thanks anyway. I'll just pay you your travel fee."

"Well how much did you think it would be?" he asked.

"Like $55 dollars! It's not a complex lock! It's not deadbolted. I just can't swing it that price. Thanks though."

He motioned for me to wait as he got his phone. "Here," he said after having a short conversation in another language. "You talk to my boss."

I took the phone. "Ma'am, the best we can do is $110. If you pay cash." I was still not able to do this. I explained it to him and handed back the phone to the man with the aviators. He spoke a few minutes longer.

"My boss just said the best we can do is $65."

Now I was ticked. This was unbelievable. How does one go from $149 to $65 in the matter of minutes? They would've taken the full amount and ran if I would've been willing and desperate enough. This was a matter of principle now.

"No. I'm sorry. I'll pay you for your travel and use another option." I reached into my purse and handed him two $20 bills. He took them, ripped a receipt out of his book, tossed it at me, and walked away. As his van pulled away, I looked at the receipt. He didn't even give me the $1 change I was due. And now, I was still in the same position as I had been before his visit, just $40 poorer.

It was then that the tears began. How could I be so stupid? I did not want to ask my landlord for help after I had already told her I was getting a locksmith. Wouldn't I look like an idiot? Incompetent? Like a failure? The warm tears ran down my cheeks as I cried there on the front porch. I had no idea what to do, so I just sat there and cried.

All of a sudden, I heard a car horn. It startled me and I jumped a little, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I turned around, and a woman emerged from the car. It was my landlord! At the exact moment that I needed her most! She walked up the sidewalk to me and I walked to her. She said, "We figured we would just stop by to make sure you got in okay." I hugged her for a long time.

She didn't have to come. She hadn't been asked to come - I had been too proud to do that. But she came anyway, unsolicited.

This whole day was proof that I still have a ways to go in breaking out of my own self-sufficiency and pride. I hesitate to ask anything of anyone that would put them out. I wish I could do everything on my own so as not to bother anyone. The truth is, no man is an island. We need each other. And in situations like these, God is able to show his love to me through people - people who listen to Him, who care, who don't think it's a big deal to drive a few miles to make sure a girl can get into her house.

Song of Songs

As a single girl, this time of year, right around Valentine's Day, can be pretty rough. Recently, every time I see a happy couple arm-in-arm, or, honestly, even couple on TV kiss or hug, I get a little twinge inside, a little longing for what they have. I've never had a significant other over a Valentines Day, so I don't know what it's like to get roses, or chocolates, or a mushy card or a love poem on this Hallmark holiday. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I promise! That's lame, and I try to avoid it. But there is a certain "missing" that goes on. Like, when you see a little blonde-haired girl playing with a beautiful labrador retriever puppy in fields of green grass in advertisements, and you think, "Wow, if I had that puppy, my life would be so complete." But then when you get the dog you discover it isn't that smart, and it pees on the carpet and chews up your favorite shoes and electronics and never quite lives up to the ideal that you had formed in your mind of what "having a puppy" would be like.

(I'm not comparing having a man to having a dog. Two totally different things!!! What I'm trying to say is that a lot goes into having a relationship. It's not always as perfect and pretty as it looks on TV.)

I've had a minor preoccupation with the book Song of Solomon since last April. I picked up a commentary on it by Watchman Nee and, as he dissected the book word by word, sentence by sentence, it really captivated me. Recently I began reading it from the beginning again, and every time I do, I'm overwhelmed with the way God tells me how much He loves me through this book! And it's even better than commercial-perfect love. The world can't even write it this good!

My friend Annie cracks me up. She said recently, "I don't read Song of Solomon! That book is for married people!" Yeah, I guess it could be. But to me, it's like the most intimate of Hallmark cards- you know, the ones that have really long, specific messages on the inside, like, I still want to give our love a chance even though the kids you had with your first wife hate me.

Song of Solomon is a conversation between God and me. It's so honest.

Here's a girl, concerned with how she looks, putting all her faults out there, giving this guy every excuse to walk away, almost expecting him to do so.

She says "I am dark..." but her friends say, "You are lovely."

She says, "Don't look at me!" He says, "You are beautiful."

She says, "I have been so busy looking after everything else in life, I haven't looked after myself." He says, "Exactly what and who you are is all I want." (Well, he also compares her to a horse, but... stay with me here!)

He looks at her for what she is. When she says she is simply a common flower, a lily of the valley, nothing special, nothing precious, he says, "You are a lily that has grown up among thorns, in deep and difficult places. You are uncommon, special, unique."

He asks her to come away. And as they walk up the rocky hillside, he asks her to sing to him, because he treasures the sound of her voice. It's the sweetest sound to him.

And when she opens up her mouth to sing to him, she sings a song that voices her concern about their relationship, a song that says that perhaps the little things, the overlooked things, may spoil their love. She can tell him what's on her heart and what worries her without fear. Their love is solid, secure, stable. There's no question that he'll leave because she exposes too much of her heart, or because he sees the real her.

I am this girl. This guy is the One to which I've devoted my life, the One my soul loves. February 14 will come and go. And it'll come again, undoubtedly, and I may or may not have an earthly love to share it with.

But I'm sure of and secure in the One my soul loves. So, man or not, puppy or not, I'm good. And I'm loved.

What can be done?

I have lived much of my adult life oblivious to what's going on in politics. In high school, I often expressed my beliefs about politics and had no problem defending my point of view. But during my college years, I learned that most intellectuals considered conservatism (my point of view) to be equal to ignorance, and therefore I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut.

This post isn't about conservatism or liberalism. It's not about democratic or republican. This post is about right and wrong. Today I read an article on someone's Facebook page that reported on our new president's recent overturn of the ban on the United States' financial support of international abortion. Apparently, this is a ban that is either enforced or overturned depending on which party wins the presidential election. Bush- enforced. Clinton - overturned. Little Bush - enforced. Obama - overturned.

Usually, I'd just read an article like this and shake my head, but then continue on with my day. Today is different. Today I received my W2 and I looked at the box that notes the amount of tax dollars that I've contributed to the running of our federal government. I realized that part of my money, the money that I earn by working at a life-endorsing institution (the church), is flown overseas to help women abort their babies. My money is used to forward a cause that I do not believe in and that my Christian beliefs (that God alone is the giver of life, that life is sacred and precious because it comes from Him, that each individual is born with God-given purpose and destiny) diametrically oppose.

I've done a small amount of research today and discovered that, worldwide, 46 million babies are aborted every year (that's one in five pregnancies that end in abortion). Of those, 36 million abortions take place in the developing world (2nd and 3rd world nations) and only 10 million take place in developed nations. This is startling: In Eastern Europe, 57% of pregnancies end in abortion. In East Asia, 1/3 of all pregnancies are terminated.

President Obama said, "In the coming weeks, my administration will initiate a fresh conversation on family planning, working to find areas of common ground to best meet the needs of women and families at home and around the world." His secretary of state, Hilary Clinton, who will oversee foreign aid, said, "Rather than limiting women's ability to receive reproductive health services, we should be supporting programs that help women and their partners make decisions to ensure their health and the health of their families."

Terms like "family planning" and "women's health" are intended to make a messy issue rather glossy and pretty. I've heard many stories from women who have chosen abortion. I've heard the hurt they've endured because of it, the guilt, the pain, the turmoil. What makes us think that the emotional effects of abortion are only suffered by women in Judeo-Christian nations? When abortion is offered as an out for those in other nations who find themselves with unwanted pregnancies, what happens to those women after the fact? When the term "women's health" is used, I'm inclined to believe that it refers only to her physical health and not to her emotional, spiritual, and mental health. Are the World Health Organization and United Nations jumping to offer post-abortion counseling? I highly doubt it.

What can be done? This is question that I've been struggling with all day. As a taxpayer, my money supports abortion, while my morals do not. I could stop paying taxes, but then I'd end up in jail, therefore thwarting any future impact I may be able to make for such a cause (and seriously cramping my style). The solution is much deeper than just throwing money at the issue. It's easy in America to write a check and feel like we've done our part. The worldwide anti-abortion movement is minimal. Plus, I'm not entirely sure that establishing a movement similar to the one in the United States would be that effective anyway, since, even though we have a huge anti-abortion population, it's still legal.

What if, world-wide, women knew how much God loved them and their unborn children? What if women in need were introduced to a God who concerned himself with the details of their lives and the lives of their babies? What if they found out that God has a purpose for them and their babies? What if they were offered another option in a desperate time when abortion seemed the only way out? What if there was a way to care for them and their children and ensure that they were fed, clothed, and housed?

All of this, while a very tall order, is nothing short of necessary.

Ideas?

Bread, Books, and the Brokenhearted

Today I was in Panera, having lunch and studying for the Women's Experience. I'll be teaching on forgiveness, and I wanted to take some time to go over the notes and prepare. So there I sat, computer, Bible, and notes spread out before me. To my right side was a book called Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall. I ordered it from Amazon last week to help me prepare for the teaching. I've read it before, maybe 5 years ago, and as I was reading it this time, it really ministered to me.

So I was sitting there, and suddenly a figure loomed over me and said, in a loud voice, "Wow you look comfy! What are you doing?" I looked up, half expecting it to be someone I know, the other half of me feeling as if I was in trouble for propping my feet up on the other side of the booth. I straightened up. A lady I did not know stood there, smiling at me with warm, questioning eyes.

I'm not the type to talk to others that I don't know in public. I'm usually on the defensive. But this woman seemed so interested in what I was doing.

"Are you writing a book?" she asked. I shook my head. "A paper?"

"Well, sort of," I responded. "I'm studying about forgiveness. I'm teaching on it next week at church, so I'm just preparing." I held up the book I was reading.

"I see that," she said. She asked me which church I attended, and I responded and invited her to our services.

"Do you live in this area?" I asked.

She looked to the side. "Long story. Let's just say I live all around here." She placed a paper on the table and instructed me to write directions to the church from 192 and she'd be by to pick it up later. I bent my head down to write, and she left the table but returned very quickly. She sat on the other side of the booth. I was taken off-guard.

"Can we pray?" she asked.

"Uh, sure." I didn't know if she wanted ME to pray, or what. I bowed my head.

"I'm not that good at it," she said. Then she began to pray. In a hesitant, unsure way, she asked God to send people in her life to encourage her, to help her, and to support her. I found myself opening my eyes every few seconds, checking to make sure that my iPhone and wallet were still there. Was this lady running a scam on me? Who comes up to someone randomly and asks them to pray, really?

"I moved down here a little over a year ago in my van. You'll see it when you go out to the parking lot. Can't miss it. I bought a year-long pass to Disney, and for the last year, that's where I've gone every day. I guess you could say I'm trying to find myself. Well, the pass ran out..."

I got it. She was homeless, jobless. Living in her van and passing her days in Disney, "the happiest place on earth," in hopes that she could attain happiness despite her inner bankruptcy.

"Ya know, if I could do what it says on that book," she motioned toward Total Forgiveness, "then I wouldn't be in this mess."

She then shared with me some details about her past, and I realized that this lady wasn't scamming me. She was looking for a friend. For hope.

I asked her if she knew Jesus. I assumed she did from the prayer we shared, but I wanted to check. She assured me that she did. I explained to her about God's love. About how, apart from knowing God's forgiveness, it wasn't in our power to forgive anyone, and how, in light of the way God looked at us in our most shameful, dirty moments and, knowing all of them, still chose to love us and let our offenses go, we had no choice but to forgive.

"Do you like to read?" I asked. She motioned her hand, so-so. "Why don't you take this book? I think it'll help you."

She smiled. "There's something different about you. I can see it in your eyes," she said. "I look into a lot of eyes. You eyes have a sparkle. Something special. You took the time to talk to me. You let me sit here."

I looked down, ashamed that, a few moments ago, I had silently questioned her motives during my open-eyed prayer. "A few years ago, I was in the same place you are. Unable to forgive. But God's worked in my life. And I'm a different person."

She thanked me. "I'm gonna try to come to your church. I'll talk to you later."

I don't want to analyze this conversation, because I feel that to do so would rob you of making your own conclusions about this exchange. But I will tell you that this conversation was the most organic, natural ministry moment I've ever had. And I'd like my life to be filled with more moments like these.

When I Grow Up

I wonder if God chuckles to himself when He hears our plans.

Like a father hearing his little son talk about how, when he grows up, he want to be a ninja and he'll throw Chinese stars and master nunchucks and NO bad guys will ever beat him up because he's a ninja. And the father knows that the son probably won't be a ninja, he'll probably grow up to be something else, like a data analyst, but he doesn't bother to tell the son that because, for now, why can't he dream ninja-dreams?

Breaking

So here's a list of things you shouldn't say to God unless you really mean them:

1. I want to live a "Sermon on the Mount" lifestyle.
2. If you have to take me through a desert in order to solidify within me my calling, my purpose, and to build something REAL in me, do it.
3. Lord, simplify my life.

I've said all of those things in the last 2 months. Guess what? God listens and answers. However, those prayers, said in moments of desolation and desperation in my time with God, gave permission for God to do what he needed to do in order to have more of my life. That means getting rid of things that may distract me and pull me away from Him. And sometimes, the stripping away is hard. It involves changing relationships, changing focus, and changing the very paradigm through which I view the world.

It may mean suffering a broken heart. I've been dealing with a broken heart this week. It hurt. It was painful. But in the middle of it all, I knew that God was right next to me. Psalm 34:18 says:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Amazingly, in what has been a really hard time, I've felt God, my friend, my dad, sitting right next to me. When the crying was over and the reality was there, staring me in the face, there was this reminder:

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

In a time where I would normally fall apart, I simply said to God, my heart is broken; would you please be near me? And he was. I asked him, would you comfort me? And he did.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel like he's truly where he needs to be in my life.

I'm looking to Him, and I'm radiant with the expectation of seeing His glory in my life. Does that mean things will turn out the way I want them to? Or that, like a spoiled child, I'll get everything I want? Probably not! God is sovereign. If things need to happen in my life that I think are crappy so that his bigger plan can take place, so be it. This story is much bigger than me. I just need to remember that.

What's beautiful is that, in the middle of the sovereignty, in the middle of the bigger picture, he tells me this:

Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.

Starting Over

Every year, without fail, I look towards January 1 as the start of something new. A clean slate... a fresh start... a chance to do-over stuff that I didn't quite accomplish last year. An opportunity to tackle an area of my character that needs improvement. Unfortunately, most years I don't accomplish EVERY goal that I set forth. I may succeed in reaching one or two goals, and maybe take steps toward achieving some of the larger goals, but there are other goals that I never quite reach. For instance, for the past two years, one of my goals has been to get out of credit card debt. I've written the vision, looked at it daily, thought about it, yearned for it... but this year, once again, my goal is to get out of debt. Didn't quite make it last year. In fact, I may have added to the debt a little (darn it, iTunes!!). I had another goal last year of starting my Richer Life group. Even though I didn't want to (it was hard to do!), I did it, and it was the best thing I endeavored to do last year. My life has changed because of that group. So, success!

On January 1 I was reading Genesis 1. Good place to start at the beginning of the year, right? Well as I was reading about how God created everything, I was thinking about some little sections of the verses. Look at verse 11:

The land produced vegetation—all sorts of seed-bearing plants, and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind. And God saw that it was good.

And 24-25:
Then God said, “Let the earth produce every sort of animal, each producing offspring of the same kind—livestock, small animals that scurry along the ground, and wild animals.” And that is what happened. God made all sorts of wild animals, livestock, and small animals, each able to produce offspring of the same kind. And God saw that it was good.

Pretty cool that, at the beginning of time, God envisioned what he wanted, created it, and then set a system in place so that it could propel itself without Him having to be involved. Like, every time a blade of grass needs to grow, God doesn't have to point his finger to earth and zap the ground to make it happen. It produces after its own kind. There's a system in place - a seed drops to the earth, grows, and produces more seed. God started it, and then he created a way for it to continue.

We start out a year wanting to bring certain characteristics or goals or tangible change into fruition in our lives. This year I want to love more, discipline myself in my talents and gifts, develop healthier habits, and, (gulp) get out of debt. These are just a FEW of my goals. But I can't just point my finger at my goal and make it happen. Wishing and hoping won't make it happen. I need a system in place in order to reach my resolutions. I need to think about real, measurable goals and realistic, do-able steps in which to make my genesis more than just another year full of empty promises. I think we set ourselves up for failure when we make a resolution but don't come up with a game plan.

Not only am I approaching my resolutions with a game plan, but I'm preparing for some of the changes to make me uncomfortable. When I change things that my flesh has gotten used to, like trading soda for water and eating salad instead of cheese fries (oh, Outback! How I love thee!), it sucks (pardon my french). When I have to pass by that new dress in the store and instead use the money I would have spent on it to pay towards my credit card bill, it's not fun. And I have to prepare my mind for that. Changing my life is hard at first, but the benefits outweigh the present pain.

Hopefully, at the end of 2009, I can look at all my goals (or most of them), and the steps I used to achieve them and say, like God did, "It is GOOD!" And hopefully Capital One will have one less customer!