The other night we were leaving my grandma's house after a Christmas celebration. She lives out in the country, and the weather was quite treacherous, with worse fog than any I have ever seen (even in Florida). To make it worse, her entire driveway was a sheet of ice, and to get to the road from her driveway, we had to drive uphill. With five people crowded into my mom's little Nissan Maxima, our car didn't stand a chance. No matter how much my dad accelerated, the car just slid backward and to the side, fishtailing and threatening to send us off the road and into the snow. As soon as the trouble started, I was insistent that we just get out of the car and stay the night at my grandma's house to wait for the ice to melt a little and the fog to let up. Soon, however, my uncle and cousin were standing alongside our car, pushing in hopes of helping us get onto the street. This was especially frightening - a several-thousand pound automobile, sliding uncontrollably with two men standing alongside on the slippery ice. At once, my cousin lost his footing, almost sliding under the car. I screamed, sure that our car would run over him. It didn't, thankfully, and with another shove and some acceleration, we finally made it onto the road. This wasn't the end of the danger, however. Driving through the country, my dad had to have my brother look out the passenger side window to ensure that the car was still on the road due to the thick fog. The entire time, I watched from the back seat, cringing at the sight of oncoming headlights, worrying that the next turn or stop would cause us to crash.
I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be as a child before God, comparing it to my own childhood trust of my dad, and analyzing where the breakdown was - when I became aware that my earthly father was fallible and my well-being could possibly be out of his control. As a kid in his car, before I learned how to drive, I was just along for the ride. Never thought about how we would get to the destination, or asked "what if?" - What if the tire blew? What if he fell asleep at the wheel? What if he lost control of the car? It was only later, after getting into a car accident with him, that I began to doubt his ability to get me from point A to B safely. If the traffic was clear and the weather was good, then I didn't give it a second thought. But the moment that the variables changed, there I was, watching every move, making sure that he didn't do anything that might cause an accident or endanger our lives.
Being a child before God is going back to the realization that my Dad is one who cannot fail. There is NO possibility of Him losing control of my life, or of my existence being threatened when I'm in his hands. He's the best at EVERYTHING. In some ways, I still feel that way about my earthly father - he's the best preacher, the best guitar player, the best counselor. But being a child before God is knowing, with complete certainty and trust, that He is THE man. The strongest. The best. The most able. And a life lived with Him is a life of freedom in knowing that, in His hands, I am safe. I love Romans 8:15-17 in the Message Bible:
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.
The life I long to have is a thrilling one- trusting God through the unknown, the ups and downs, the ins and outs. Like a little child in her dad's arms, being thrown in the air or turned upside down... that lump-in-the-throat, heart-racing, giggling in expectation feeling, knowing that however he throws you or tosses you or turns you, he's gonna catch you. He always has, he always will. Because he's dad. And that's what dads do.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Change
Monday I was sitting at the volunteer desk at the church, doing my weekly Monday duties, and the Aftercare assistant for City of Life Christian Academy walked a line of four year olds to the bathrooms for a restroom break. I was sitting, half-listening to the madness that IS this time of the day (and secretly thinking, "Wow I'm glad I'm not teaching anymore!") when I heard the following exchange:
Assistant: Line up, guys. You (points to kid) be the line leader.
Four year old: But I'm the line leader!! Why does she get to be the line leader?
Assistant: Because sometimes we need change. It helps us grow inside.
At first I laughed, because that was a pretty cute way to break it down for a four year old. But then I realized - I need the reason for change explained to me on a four-year-old level too!!
Assistant: Line up, guys. You (points to kid) be the line leader.
Four year old: But I'm the line leader!! Why does she get to be the line leader?
Assistant: Because sometimes we need change. It helps us grow inside.
At first I laughed, because that was a pretty cute way to break it down for a four year old. But then I realized - I need the reason for change explained to me on a four-year-old level too!!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Becoming a YES Man
A movie is coming out with Jim Carrey where he decides to say "Yes" to everything instead of his usual response, "No." Believe it or not, a few years ago I made that same decision when it came to when, where, and how I used the gifts God has given me.
I was struggling with fear about the future and questions about what God's purpose for my life was relating to singing when I read an amazing prayer by Dag Hammarskjold, a former secretary of the U.N.:
For all that has been, thanks. For all that shall be, YES.
That quote totally blew the lid off of my entire perspective of how and when and where I used my talents. To say YES to all that would come, no matter what it was, was the total opposite of how I had led my life up to that point. Previous to this, I would pick and choose opportunities that were given to me to sing based on how comfortable I felt with the crowd, the venue, and the specifications. Unfortunately, my choosing left me frustrated and limited. In the midst of this frustration, I made a conscious decision, a commitment to God, to say YES any time I was given an opportunity to minister through singing.
This, as you can imagine, did not lead to the most glamourous of opportunities. I've led worship before hundreds of prisoners - murderers, rapists, thieves... all redeemed and seeking God with the same (or more intense) passion that you'd find in your local church. I've sung in nursing homes, before people who looked less than coherent; I've led worship for elementary-aged kids in Kids Church for several years (actually, this was my favorite!). Let's not forget about the little pentecostal churches where the first measure of the song led Sister So-And-So to start dancing and start shouting in tongues. On the opposite spectrum, I've sang at a few very traditional churches where you could've heard crickets after each song... no response, not an eyelash batted (try singing a crazy gospel song about Jesus returning on a white horse in front of this type of crowd... more than one eyebrow was raised)! All of them not the most glamourous, not the most comfortable, and not the most desirable situations.
But me choosing to say YES did some really powerful things in me:
1. I believe that it made me a good steward over my talents. I believe God is looking for people who are willing and available. When he sees someone with a YES attitude, and that attitude is proven by action, I believe He knows that he can entrust us with other opportunities.
2. I believe that it humbled me. Every opportunity is your "big opportunity," because everyone needs to experience God's presence in a BIG way. You can be the vehicle that God uses to get through to people - pretty cool! Prisoners need to be led in worship just as much as the Sunday morning crowd. The Spirit of God can move and touch people in the most traditional AND the most radical of churches. Both children in Kid's Church and the elderly in nursing homes can be changed by the presence of God as we lift up earnest, pure worship to Him.
3. Most practically, practice makes perfect. Saying YES will open up opportunities to hone your skills as a singer and worship leader. You learn what works, what doesn't work.
I encourage you, if you're frustrated with where you're at, to start saying YES! Don't look at any opportunity as sub-par. Take every offer. Just because it doesn't fit your idea of how you thought God would use you doesn't mean that it's not a great opportunity. Be faithful with your gift. He'll open doors you can't imagine.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Hurts so Good
The Christian life is one of continual surrender. Someone famous said that... I don't know who. But it's true.
Sometimes there are areas of hardness in my heart that become roadblocks between the Lord and i. When I ask him to penetrate them, and he does, it can be so painful... almost tactile, a ripping away of what i've allowed to be established so firmly.
God is jealous for me. He will have all of me, and he won't relent until he does. Sometimes that involves him eliminating the props that we stand on... the empy things we grasp onto to fill the place that he should occupy. Little idols cast great shadows.
In the end, it's good... it hurts, but its good.
Sometimes there are areas of hardness in my heart that become roadblocks between the Lord and i. When I ask him to penetrate them, and he does, it can be so painful... almost tactile, a ripping away of what i've allowed to be established so firmly.
God is jealous for me. He will have all of me, and he won't relent until he does. Sometimes that involves him eliminating the props that we stand on... the empy things we grasp onto to fill the place that he should occupy. Little idols cast great shadows.
In the end, it's good... it hurts, but its good.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Revival In My Heart
Repost from my Myspace Blog, 6-9-08
A few weeks ago, on Memorial Day, I felt the Lord asking me to take some time to be set apart, so I decided to set TV and non-necessary internet aside for a few weeks. I went to someone's home that day for a barbeque, and while I was there, they were watching GodTV. On this channel was a rebroadcast of a meeting that had taken place in Lakeland, Florida... meetings were being held nightly and had been for fifty-something consecutive days. Not only were the thousands of people attending the meetings being touched by the power of God, but the live broadcasts on GodTV meant that the revival was accesible to the entire world.
At first, when I looked at the people attending and the way some of them were acting (jerking around, falling out, waving flags, etc), I was a little tempted to judge the revival as a gathering of a bunch of flakes... but then I watched a little longer and the spirit of the thing began to grip my heart. If you look past some of the craziness going on, you see a group of people absolutely HUNGRY for the presence of Jesus, desperate for a taste of the glory of God. The hunger that exists in these meetings transcends every cultural barrier, every age, every denomination. I was arrested by the beauty of this gathering of worshipers. So, I wanted to go.
Tuesday night I went to the revival, and I spent almost two hours in very deep worship, simply soaking in the presence of God. It was, in two words, life-changing. I felt a fire rise up inside of me that had long been gone... the more I worshipped, the more I cried out for the fire of God, the more stirred up I felt. In His presence, I felt certain that my God could do ANYTHING, and faith began to rise in me.
I returned again twice, on Thursday and Sunday, and each time, the worship was so powerful. It wasn't the songs - the songs we sang were all ones I would consider "old" or "played out". It wasn't the singers. It was the heart of God's people - a heart of desperation, a heart that cries, "Arise, God, and take your place!" A heart that requires the presence of God to live - no more dead works, no more routine and tradition for the sake of filling a schedule. A heart that says "I MUST have Jesus."
The most beautiful thing about the revival is that when God's people are so set on Him, and when the atmosphere is so inviting for the Holy Spirit, He just sits right down in the middle of the whole thing and starts to bless His people by healing them. In the presence of God, every incomplete, broken thing MUST be made whole -spirit, soul, or body. And that's what happens. Physical healings occur. The dead are raised. Sinners repent. The wounded are restored.
It would be tempting to become a "Revival Junkie" and just run out to Lakeland whenever I need a quick fix of the presence of God. But this revival has pushed me to require more of the Lord in my every-day life. Yes, I want revival at City of Life Church. I want revival in Kissimmee... in Florida... in the US... and the world. But first, I MUST have it in me.
And it starts in my house. On the floor. Face down, before the holiness of God.
"The Gospel is not an old, old story, freshly told. It is a fire in the Spirit, fed by the flame of Immortal Love; and woe unto us, if, through our negligence to stir up the Gift of God which is within us, that fire burns low." -Dr. R. Moffat Gautrey
A few weeks ago, on Memorial Day, I felt the Lord asking me to take some time to be set apart, so I decided to set TV and non-necessary internet aside for a few weeks. I went to someone's home that day for a barbeque, and while I was there, they were watching GodTV. On this channel was a rebroadcast of a meeting that had taken place in Lakeland, Florida... meetings were being held nightly and had been for fifty-something consecutive days. Not only were the thousands of people attending the meetings being touched by the power of God, but the live broadcasts on GodTV meant that the revival was accesible to the entire world.
At first, when I looked at the people attending and the way some of them were acting (jerking around, falling out, waving flags, etc), I was a little tempted to judge the revival as a gathering of a bunch of flakes... but then I watched a little longer and the spirit of the thing began to grip my heart. If you look past some of the craziness going on, you see a group of people absolutely HUNGRY for the presence of Jesus, desperate for a taste of the glory of God. The hunger that exists in these meetings transcends every cultural barrier, every age, every denomination. I was arrested by the beauty of this gathering of worshipers. So, I wanted to go.
Tuesday night I went to the revival, and I spent almost two hours in very deep worship, simply soaking in the presence of God. It was, in two words, life-changing. I felt a fire rise up inside of me that had long been gone... the more I worshipped, the more I cried out for the fire of God, the more stirred up I felt. In His presence, I felt certain that my God could do ANYTHING, and faith began to rise in me.
I returned again twice, on Thursday and Sunday, and each time, the worship was so powerful. It wasn't the songs - the songs we sang were all ones I would consider "old" or "played out". It wasn't the singers. It was the heart of God's people - a heart of desperation, a heart that cries, "Arise, God, and take your place!" A heart that requires the presence of God to live - no more dead works, no more routine and tradition for the sake of filling a schedule. A heart that says "I MUST have Jesus."
The most beautiful thing about the revival is that when God's people are so set on Him, and when the atmosphere is so inviting for the Holy Spirit, He just sits right down in the middle of the whole thing and starts to bless His people by healing them. In the presence of God, every incomplete, broken thing MUST be made whole -spirit, soul, or body. And that's what happens. Physical healings occur. The dead are raised. Sinners repent. The wounded are restored.
It would be tempting to become a "Revival Junkie" and just run out to Lakeland whenever I need a quick fix of the presence of God. But this revival has pushed me to require more of the Lord in my every-day life. Yes, I want revival at City of Life Church. I want revival in Kissimmee... in Florida... in the US... and the world. But first, I MUST have it in me.
And it starts in my house. On the floor. Face down, before the holiness of God.
"The Gospel is not an old, old story, freshly told. It is a fire in the Spirit, fed by the flame of Immortal Love; and woe unto us, if, through our negligence to stir up the Gift of God which is within us, that fire burns low." -Dr. R. Moffat Gautrey
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Better Than Christmas!!
Repost from my Myspace blog, 5-4-08
Tonight, I lie in bed, eyes wide open, heart racing, mind running at a thousand miles an hour. No sleep for me. Not now, anyways.
Not because I'm upset, or anxious, or worried... because I'm filled with such anticipation. I haven't felt this way since I was a child. Christmas eve. Fat flakes of snow falling in the sky. Wondering what presents will be under the tree for me in the morning.
Thjs morning (Sunday), at about 11:15, my dad will walk up on the stage at City of Life after attending the Men's Experience. Forty hours of face-to-face, heart-to-heart time with God. I will see my dad, changed.
After 8 years of waiting. Eight years of disappointment, disbelief, disfunction! Eight years, all culminating in a revelation of restoration!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it! God is soooo soooo sooo amazing.
The 126th Psalm is my life right now:
WHEN THE Lord brought back the captives [who returned] to Zion, we were like those who dream [it seemed so unreal].Then were our mouths filled with laughter, and our tongues with singing. Then they said among the nations, The Lord has done great things for them. The Lord has done great things for us! We are glad! Turn to freedom our captivity and restore our fortunes, O Lord, as the streams in the South. They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing. He who goes forth bearing seed and weeping shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.
Tonight, I lie in bed, eyes wide open, heart racing, mind running at a thousand miles an hour. No sleep for me. Not now, anyways.
Not because I'm upset, or anxious, or worried... because I'm filled with such anticipation. I haven't felt this way since I was a child. Christmas eve. Fat flakes of snow falling in the sky. Wondering what presents will be under the tree for me in the morning.
Thjs morning (Sunday), at about 11:15, my dad will walk up on the stage at City of Life after attending the Men's Experience. Forty hours of face-to-face, heart-to-heart time with God. I will see my dad, changed.
After 8 years of waiting. Eight years of disappointment, disbelief, disfunction! Eight years, all culminating in a revelation of restoration!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it! God is soooo soooo sooo amazing.
The 126th Psalm is my life right now:
WHEN THE Lord brought back the captives [who returned] to Zion, we were like those who dream [it seemed so unreal].Then were our mouths filled with laughter, and our tongues with singing. Then they said among the nations, The Lord has done great things for them. The Lord has done great things for us! We are glad! Turn to freedom our captivity and restore our fortunes, O Lord, as the streams in the South. They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing. He who goes forth bearing seed and weeping shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Update on My Family
Repost from my Myspace blog, 4-15-08
I've been thinking a lot about how much I love Jesus. And how unbelievable blessed I am, that God would work in MY life and touch MY family... He's so good to me. I'm full of that feeling of being overwhelmed by undeserved kindness; the breathlessness of being showered with goodness that I didn't see coming...
Those of you who know me very well know that my family has been through a LOT in the past um, ten (?) years. Yikes. It's been a long time, and I just now realized it. Over these past years, at least one, and sometimes all of my immediate family members have been away from the Lord, living as prodigals because of unhealed hurts, bitterness, and pride. This has been really painful for me, especially the decline of my dad's relationship with God, because he's my hero. I literally grew up thinking there was no one closer to God than he, no one wiser, no one more knowledgeable about the Word. When he fell away, I became jaded with the church, unable to trust others, and really doubtful of the power of God. Through all of the drama, I've always stayed with the Lord, because, where else would I go, really? But I was shaken. Angry. Bitter. Out of the hurt in my heart, my prayer was literally, "God, make everything in their lives go wrong so that they HAVE to turn to you."
But this year, the way I prayed changed. My new year's resolution was to NOT let God alone in my prayers for my dad- to approach the throne every day and keep my requests before Him, like Abraham begging God for the salvation of the righteous few in Sodom. God filled me with an unexplainable desire for mercy and His lovingkindness in their lives. Instead of praying doom, I began entreating God for grace, for favor, for kindness, for undeserved blessing in their lives. I prayed that He would spare them. I prayed that, as they sat in the "pig pen" of prodigal living, their minds would drift toward the goodness of home, toward the safety of the father's house, toward the love in their Abba's heart toward them. As I prayed this way, my heart became so tender toward my family, that all I wanted was to really, truly love them.
I believe that because the way I prayed changed, the course of my family's lives changed. I know that many of you have prayed for my family too, and I'm so grateful for that! But the way I prayed changed my heart and my approach with them. Loving them became enough, whether they were kind to me or not, whether they showed any interest in the things of God or not.
I'm so excited to say that God is doing a mighty work in my father's life. He's returned to the Lord. My dad spent the day studying the Word on Saturday. He told me that God gave him his first message for the first time he preaches, whenever that might be. And, since he's attending the Men's Experience in two weeks, I know God is going to continue this amazing work in His heart and life. It's even trickled down into my three-year-old niece, who loves to go to Sunday school, is captivated by Bible stories, and prays spontaneously in the car! I'm still believing for my brother's salvation, but it's just a matter of time, baby!
Those of you who have unsaved relatives, please feel a renewed sense of hope for your family. God loves them like a father longing for the return of his lost son. It's only a matter of time before they'll realize that the safety and love of home is better than the "freedom" of being the world. My story isn't over, but it's going from "glory to glory." And so will yours.
1:53 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - R
I've been thinking a lot about how much I love Jesus. And how unbelievable blessed I am, that God would work in MY life and touch MY family... He's so good to me. I'm full of that feeling of being overwhelmed by undeserved kindness; the breathlessness of being showered with goodness that I didn't see coming...
Those of you who know me very well know that my family has been through a LOT in the past um, ten (?) years. Yikes. It's been a long time, and I just now realized it. Over these past years, at least one, and sometimes all of my immediate family members have been away from the Lord, living as prodigals because of unhealed hurts, bitterness, and pride. This has been really painful for me, especially the decline of my dad's relationship with God, because he's my hero. I literally grew up thinking there was no one closer to God than he, no one wiser, no one more knowledgeable about the Word. When he fell away, I became jaded with the church, unable to trust others, and really doubtful of the power of God. Through all of the drama, I've always stayed with the Lord, because, where else would I go, really? But I was shaken. Angry. Bitter. Out of the hurt in my heart, my prayer was literally, "God, make everything in their lives go wrong so that they HAVE to turn to you."
But this year, the way I prayed changed. My new year's resolution was to NOT let God alone in my prayers for my dad- to approach the throne every day and keep my requests before Him, like Abraham begging God for the salvation of the righteous few in Sodom. God filled me with an unexplainable desire for mercy and His lovingkindness in their lives. Instead of praying doom, I began entreating God for grace, for favor, for kindness, for undeserved blessing in their lives. I prayed that He would spare them. I prayed that, as they sat in the "pig pen" of prodigal living, their minds would drift toward the goodness of home, toward the safety of the father's house, toward the love in their Abba's heart toward them. As I prayed this way, my heart became so tender toward my family, that all I wanted was to really, truly love them.
I believe that because the way I prayed changed, the course of my family's lives changed. I know that many of you have prayed for my family too, and I'm so grateful for that! But the way I prayed changed my heart and my approach with them. Loving them became enough, whether they were kind to me or not, whether they showed any interest in the things of God or not.
I'm so excited to say that God is doing a mighty work in my father's life. He's returned to the Lord. My dad spent the day studying the Word on Saturday. He told me that God gave him his first message for the first time he preaches, whenever that might be. And, since he's attending the Men's Experience in two weeks, I know God is going to continue this amazing work in His heart and life. It's even trickled down into my three-year-old niece, who loves to go to Sunday school, is captivated by Bible stories, and prays spontaneously in the car! I'm still believing for my brother's salvation, but it's just a matter of time, baby!
Those of you who have unsaved relatives, please feel a renewed sense of hope for your family. God loves them like a father longing for the return of his lost son. It's only a matter of time before they'll realize that the safety and love of home is better than the "freedom" of being the world. My story isn't over, but it's going from "glory to glory." And so will yours.
1:53 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - R
Friday, February 1, 2008
I Wonder How Long...
Repost from my Myspace Blog, 2-1-08
Today I read a scripture that, for a time, was the only verse in the Bible that I felt rang true to where I was in my life:
Isaiah 1:16 From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness— only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.
And I had a thought: If I had stayed in Indiana, never moved to Florida, never been to Heartland, and most of all, never attended an Experience, I wonder how much longer it would have take me to find true, complete healing for my wounded, broken, oozing inner self? I know God would have done it eventually, because He's faithful and He wants me to have abundant life. But when you obey, even when you don't want to, I think He puts you on the fast-track to healing.
Today I read a scripture that, for a time, was the only verse in the Bible that I felt rang true to where I was in my life:
Isaiah 1:16 From the sole of your foot to the top of your head there is no soundness— only wounds and welts and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.
And I had a thought: If I had stayed in Indiana, never moved to Florida, never been to Heartland, and most of all, never attended an Experience, I wonder how much longer it would have take me to find true, complete healing for my wounded, broken, oozing inner self? I know God would have done it eventually, because He's faithful and He wants me to have abundant life. But when you obey, even when you don't want to, I think He puts you on the fast-track to healing.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
A little hymn
Reposted from my myspace blog, 1-26-08
Keep my heart close to the cross
To that precious moment when I was redeemed
Keep my heart close to the cross
And close to the one who gave His life for me
Keep my heart close to
The beautiful mystery
That swallowed my history
And brought me to friendship with God
Keep my heart close to the cross
Keep my eyes fixed on the cross
Though the world beckon me, "Turn away!"
Keep my eyes fixed on the cross
So in my weakest hour I may not stray
Keep my eyes fixed on
The passion and pain
Of the Lamb that was slain
So that I could have friendship with God
Keep my eyes fixed on the cross
Keep my heart close to the cross
To that precious moment when I was redeemed
Keep my heart close to the cross
And close to the one who gave His life for me
Keep my heart close to
The beautiful mystery
That swallowed my history
And brought me to friendship with God
Keep my heart close to the cross
Keep my eyes fixed on the cross
Though the world beckon me, "Turn away!"
Keep my eyes fixed on the cross
So in my weakest hour I may not stray
Keep my eyes fixed on
The passion and pain
Of the Lamb that was slain
So that I could have friendship with God
Keep my eyes fixed on the cross
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