The Party's Over!

A man's as miserable as he thinks he is. -Seneca

So lately I've been having these parties. Big ones. Frequently. The guest list is short by my own choosing, and those in attendance don't ever say enough or do enough to satisfy me with their presence. Some of the guests refuse to stay, because they've been to my parties, and they know what to expect and would rather not participate.

Yeah you got it - I'm the host of the world's largest pity parties.

It seems lately I've been doing a lot of wallowing in self-pity. Self-pity is a very egocentric thing, too, because unless you have honest people around you to snap you out of it, you can be up to your elbows in it, and yet have no idea that you're in the middle of it. Thankfully, there's one person in my life who isn't afraid to point my sessions of self-pity out to me (we all need at least ONE person who will do that!).

So what is self pity? Well, here's what Websters says:

Self-pity: pity for oneself; especially : a self-indulgent dwelling on one's own sorrows or misfortunes

And the definition above is entirely true - self-pity is so self-indulgent. At the very core of it is a focus on SELF. In the middle of self-pity, we choose to look exclusively at our problems, our lack, our shortcomings, our circumstance; we allow it to envelop us to the point where we feel as though the world owes us something: sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, or little assurances like "you're so strong" or "you're such a hard worker" or "you don't deserve that."

Self-pity is the polar opposite of a grateful heart. As one who struggles continually with self-pity, I know that I have to FORCE myself to be thankful. I have to take the very things that I want to whine and gripe about, and instead turn them around and use them as sources of thankfulness.

So here's some common complaints, followed by ways you can turn your gripes into gratitude:

Your job sucks? At least you have one. 13.7 million Americans are unemployed right now.

Your marriage is on the rocks? At least you're still married. 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

You're single and you're feeling sorry that Mr. or Ms. Right hasn't shown up? Well, given the statistics above, it seems better to be single than in one of the unhappy marriages that fall prey to divorce. That's something to be thankful for! My mom drilled into my head from the time I was young that it is better to be single and lonely than married and lonely. You could be in an unsatisfying, unconnected relationship that you're locked in for life! Maybe you're single and unsatisfied and unconnected, but at least now you have options!

You're facing financial ruin or foreclosure? In Honduras a few weeks ago, our team tore down a shed on the Hands to the World compound property and piled the left-over wood to be burned. A Honduran lady who was cooking for the team saw the wood pile and begged that it be set aside for her. A few days later, she invited us to her one-room, dirt-floor home, which, to our shock, had been newly constructed using the "trash" we had been so ready to burn. Whether you're own a home, rent, or live with someone else, at least you have a place to lay your head. You probably have a bed (these Hondurans didn't), and the walls of your home are probably insulated (the cracks between the planks of the walls were large enough to let wind, insects, and rain in). You probably even have indoor plumbing (these people didn't). Furthermore, this family was so proud of their newly built home, and their pride humbled me. I was embarrassed that I had ever complained about my house: the dirt on the carpet, a cracked tile, the lack of hardware on my cabinets.


I say all this not to downplay the circumstance that you're dealing with at this very moment. Yes, life is hard, and yes, God sees and cares about your situation and your worries as only a father can. But I can't help but wonder if our God, the one who has the global perspective, the one who is just as close to me right now as he is to that Honduran family in the shack, looks at my crappy attitude about my 2008 Mazda and sighs a little, rolling his eyes that I would dare enter my car with disdain as I secretly wish it were a Lexus or a Mercedes. I mean, really?!


So, instead of embracing this martyr complex, what about looking at things a little differently? (I'm preaching to myself here.) What about changing every opportunity for self-pity into a moment of gratitude, a moment where we stop and just thank God for His goodness, His faithfulness?

And if this isn't a struggle of yours, but you see a good friend slipping into the mire self-pity, why not be a true friend and, in the most loving way possible, tell them to snap out of it? Instead of doing what's easiest and joining in the pity party, refuse to attend. Help your friends see the many blessings that their momentary lapse into self-pity has blinded them to.

As I once heard a friend say, sometimes you just have to put on your big-girl panties and get on with life!